Originally posted on www.em411.com on Dec 28 and Jan 12 2004. This post has been edited and combines portions from 2 previous blogs.

The supermarket opening hours changed slightly because of Christmas / New Year – we opened an hour earlier today; the hours are clearly listed on the door at the entrance, but some moron pushed the doors open, wandered in and shouted something about the shop not being open he then walked over to me and told me that there was “a problem”, he explained that the doors were open and he thought he’d let me know, I explained to him we opened an hour earlier, he then left the shop and never came back.

Probably the funniest thing to happen lately, was the conversation I overheard between this mad family:

Daughter: Dad, lets buy some cat food.
Father: Whit!? Ya daft cunt! We don’t have a fucking cat!
Daughter: Let’s just buy some for a change
Father: And who the fuck is going to eat it? You?
Daughter: But I’ve always wanted a cat
Father: Well I’ve got news for you, this isn’t a fucking pet store!
Daughter: Why do you always need to be so negative dad?
Father: Oh shut up you’re off yer fucking head!

Then there was the guy who came in to exchange a pair of shoes he’d bought, it turned out he’d actually taken 2 left footed shoes home with him, so he came back in search of the right shoe to complete the pair. Our store isn’t in any way like a proper shoe shop, all the shoes are out on the shop floor un-boxed in metal tables, it’s all a bit of a mess really, shoes get tangled up and/or separated from their correct pairing, so I let this guy rummage through the shoes and leave the store with his rectified pair, that was on Saturday. On Sunday he returned with 2 right footed shoes, saying he’d accidentally lifted these and left his previous left footed shoe behind in the shop…really? Perhaps he was a chancer – stealing shoes one shoe at a time, or perhaps he’s just an idiot. I know what one my money’s on…

Then there was the woman who almost bought a woollen car seat cover thinking it was a baby booster seat!

Then there was the other woman who asked if we sold “those birds you eat at Christmas” She wanted a frozen turkey of course!

Oh, and who could forget the guy who came in looking for assistance with his computer, “my computer won’t switch on and the bloody buttons do nothing!”
Now we were selling some PCs fairly recently, and knowing a wee bit about computers I was almost ready to help him out when he asked, “do you think it might be the batteries?” eh? Batteries…computer? It turned out he was actually talking about a hand-held calculator.

We also had to recall every single jar of mayonnaise in the store, as the labels had no English on them.

Then there was the idiot arguing with Neil (the assistant manager), as he was closing the shop a few customers wanted in, he said they could go in as long as they were quick as the shop was just about to close. But for whatever reasons some idiot wanted to contest this, arguing that the shop was being closed in his face, despite the fact he was actually being allowed in, apparently he then grabbed Neil’s wrist and compared the time on each of their watches and then complained that Neil’s watch was too fast and that he should know and he had just set his watch before he left the house!
Neil then told him again that if he was quick he could go into the shop but this guy still wasn’t happy. He demanded that Neil change the time on his watch and stay open for a few minutes longer, at this Neil closed the door and the guy then demanded a phone number to complain to. Neil gave him the number for Head Office, he then asked to know Neil’s name “By law you need to give me your name!” Ah, “by law”, that old chestnut, used by many a customer. Neil refused saying he didn’t need to give out any information to anyone who spoke to him like that, to which he responded “What’s your problem? You act like you’re the manager or something! Well, pretty close, assistant manager actually. He then pulled out a mobile phone and started phoning Head Office, at this point Neil walked away.

But on a brighter note, I found…a squishy American football toy that says “win with God!”
Halleluiah! Praise the lord! TOUCHDOWN! Yeah!

Originally posted on www.em411.com on Dec 24 2003.

2 of our nearby stores got robbed in the past week. Staff were held up with “weapons”, that’s all I know, the company is very secretive so they didn’t tell us much, in fact I read more about it in a local newspaper…and then a few days later a manager from another store contacted us to tell us to be on the look out for 3 dodgy blokes wearing black and red tracksuits. A few hours later they arrived, one very suspicious looking person wandered about with a bag over his shoulder, the manager and I watched him, he left, a few minutes later his accomplice, wearing the exact same tracksuit entered, we watched him, he left empty-handed, then guess what, to complete the ensemble of oddballs, the third guy enters, again wearing a red and black tracksuit. WTF?
And it was on that same day that a robin managed to get trapped inside the store setting the alarm off at 3am forcing the assistant manager to get out of bed, and wake up his girlfriend who drove him to the store so he could switch it off.
What else has happened lately? Well, there was the woman who returned a painting-by-numbers set which was completely devoid of any numbers what-so-ever!
Then there was the woman who asked me what time the store closed; I told her “in 25 minutes” to which she started sprinting round the store…”I said minutes not seconds!”
Then there was a story the assistant manager told me about how we was pulling a heavy pallet down an aisle when someone jumped out in front of him demanding a refund and due to momentum he couldn’t stop the pallet quickly enough, so his feet slid along the floor while he and the pallet went right into the customer, who replied “dae ye want a square go mate?” or in other words “do you want to fight?” I gather the customer was completely oblivious to the massive pallet in the way.

The company I work for is German, and there was an idiot who started speaking to me in German. I told him I couldn’t speak the language, and what was his reply?
“But you work for a German company!”
Ja…

Then there was the woman who came in to buy a kettle, but by the time she got here late in the evening they had all sold out, but she couldn’t quite comprehend this.
“Your kettles can’t be sold out! They were advertised as only going on sale today!”
I told her that yes they had only been available from today but it was a good deal so they all sold”
“Well, what’s the point in advertising them if they’re all sold out?”
Eh…well, “they weren’t sold out this morning” I told her.
“You must still have some In the store somewhere surely?”
I told her that we didn’t have a secret kettle stash
“I don’t believe you! Let me speak to the manager!”
This woman then spoke to the manager, who clarified that there was no great kettle conspiracy, we had none left and weren’t hiding any from her. So she then left the shop but came back just a few minutes later demanding to be told which of other stores still had kettles, sheesh!

Oh, one last thing, a camp shopper smiled, winked and wished me a merry Christmas today…why do only gay men come onto me in the shop? 🙁

Originally posted on www.em411.com on Oct 07 and Dec 13 2003. This post has been edited and combines portions from 2 previous blogs.

I work at a supermarket; it’s a strange job. Everyday is a whole new experience – it’s like working in some weird fantasy world where crazy is the norm. One day we got a phone call from the District Manager requesting an urgent recall – a certain type of Christmas tree light must be taken off sale immediately, and when I got home I found out why! It had been reported in a few newspapers that when these lights were switched on, some had to burst into flames. I think only a few people had this problem, but it was enough for the media to get hold of it, so now it’s a nationwide recall, at first the company was just going to give out standard refunds, but due to the newspapers and the fact that a similar thing happened just weeks ago, involving bottles of wine that were responsible for bringing on asthma attacks (in asthmatics – breathe a sigh of relief if you’re not asthmatic!), coupled with the company having been accused of no-good by the UK consumer rights show “Watchdog” only recently, it had been decided to give a free Xmas pudding and selection box to anyone who returns the lights! Ooooh! I’m just hoping someone turns up returning them with a blackened face and singed hair, “there’s your Xmas pud sir, sorry for any inconvenience…” The following day I experienced de ja vu when we got an urgent recall for…dried apricots, we don’t know why, perhaps they’re spontaneously combusting too?! Keep your eyes peeled for the news! I also had the fun job of cleaning the car park and what did I find? A used condom, ah lovely, y’know I’ve always said that supermarket car parks, ney budget supermarket car parks are the most romantic places to make out in (out in geddit, ah never mind…)! And at the other end of the car park I found page 3-esque centre-fold pullouts from some lads’ mags. “Cor, look at her, bet she blows like an exploding fairy light!” (It’s possible that the rubber Johnny and soft porn were connected.)

But the funniest thing to happen on Thursday was this – for some reason the delivery driver had delivered 2 freezer boxes full of frozen food to our store instead of another, but instead of them being picked up and taken to the correct store we were ordered to keep them so we had to find space In the freezers, cue mass movement of frozen chickens and pizzas…but what makes it even more bizarre is that these 2 freezer boxes comprised of nothing but chips (or fries depending on where you are), about 40-50 large boxes with bags and bags or regular sized oven chip bags inside each box!

Why would a store want a frozen delivery of chips and only chips? Well apparently the store the chips were destined to have a regular customer who runs a takeaway and buys large amounts at a single time, and so the staff there have dubbed him “Kebab Man” Yes, that’s right, the one and only “Kebab Man”. So word was passed from our store to theirs to send “Kebab Man” on his way to our store for chips but what did he do? He went to a completely different store instead, so now there are 2 stores in Glasgow that have been depleted of chips while we have nearly 3 freezers worth!

Then I had a struggle with bottles of cola – the driver who doesn’t give a flying duck dragged a pallet of cola along the warehouse wall bursting a good 10 or so bottles down one side, the bottles that burst then soaked the cardboard holding them together, it collapsed under the weight of the bottles above, so when the Clingfilm came off the pallet, cola bottles went everywhere and I got covered in latent sticky foaming carbonated water like a Mentos-experiment gone wrong! Now this particular driver really annoys me, he is always delivering pallets that are full of squashed, crushed and broken goods, but can I blame him when the company recently laid off most of the drivers to save 1% of their annual turnover and 1% of their annual turnover is £26 million!!! (A few weeks later a delivery arrived 4 hours late because this particular driver was slung in jail for starting a brawl after an old-firm football match. That’ll teach him for bursting the cola bottles!)

All the Delivery drivers are pretty unbelievable; constantly screwing up and breaking stuff. Earlier this week a delivery driver managed to drive his lorry into the cage where the bins are kept (so no one can steal stuff), now the hinge is broken and the door hangs at a strange angle, so it’s necessary to have someone help open, and keep open the cage door while the other replaces/fills up the big bin before the cage door smashes you in the face…a lot of food gets thrown out every day (hundreds of pounds worth!) but the big bins are only emptied once a week thanks to council cutbacks and you need to push the bins uphill from the back door to the cage – who thought that design through? Bins which are FULL leave the store and go uphill to the cage then empty ones ski back downhill!

I’ve made a habit of taking notes of stupid things customers say/ask; here are some recent highlights:

Man (looking at televisions): Excuse me son, do these TVs come with stands?
Me: If you read the box it tells you all the info.
Man: I did read the box, it doesn’t say a damn thing about stands!
Me: Well then, it doesn’t come with a stand!

Then there was the customer who asked if we sold those cloths and the man who asked if we have one of the computer things for kiddies? I love it when customers are specific…

Then I had some idiot asking where we keep the rice so I took him to the bags of rice but… “No, that’s not what I’m after, it’s the packets of rice I want” I have a quick look, I tell him we don’t sell any packets of rice, “Oh, but I buy them every week!” So I go in search of the rice, the manager tells me it must be the packets of savoury rice and vegetables that he’s referring to, so I take him there but no it’s not that either…hmm, Ambrosia creamed rice? Nope, not that either, but then he spots what he was after…a carton of custard!!! “Sorry about that son, my mistake it was actually custard I wanted!”
Ah well, At least he apologised…

Woman (pointing at gingerbread): How much is that?
Me (pointing at gingerbread ticket): The gingerbread? It’s 59p.
Woman: Excuse me, that isn’t gingerbread!
Atemporary feeling of panic descends on me…er, um…i feel embarrassed. I pick up the box and look at it, looks like gingerbread to me, I read it (a lot of the stuff we sell is labelled German firstly, but if you look you will find English) and lo and behold it is gingerbread after all!
Me: It is gingerbread and it is 59p!
Woman: Oh, I don’ want it then.
I put it back and off she goes…

Then someone stole a pair of insoles and left behind their old smelly ones – in the bin they went. Just as well we have a cage around the bin to prevent anyone from stealing them!

Stay tuned for part 2!