Originally posted on www.em411.com on Dec 28 and Jan 12 2004. This post has been edited and combines portions from 2 previous blogs.

The supermarket opening hours changed slightly because of Christmas / New Year – we opened an hour earlier today; the hours are clearly listed on the door at the entrance, but some moron pushed the doors open, wandered in and shouted something about the shop not being open he then walked over to me and told me that there was “a problem”, he explained that the doors were open and he thought he’d let me know, I explained to him we opened an hour earlier, he then left the shop and never came back.

Probably the funniest thing to happen lately, was the conversation I overheard between this mad family:

Daughter: Dad, lets buy some cat food.
Father: Whit!? Ya daft cunt! We don’t have a fucking cat!
Daughter: Let’s just buy some for a change
Father: And who the fuck is going to eat it? You?
Daughter: But I’ve always wanted a cat
Father: Well I’ve got news for you, this isn’t a fucking pet store!
Daughter: Why do you always need to be so negative dad?
Father: Oh shut up you’re off yer fucking head!

Then there was the guy who came in to exchange a pair of shoes he’d bought, it turned out he’d actually taken 2 left footed shoes home with him, so he came back in search of the right shoe to complete the pair. Our store isn’t in any way like a proper shoe shop, all the shoes are out on the shop floor un-boxed in metal tables, it’s all a bit of a mess really, shoes get tangled up and/or separated from their correct pairing, so I let this guy rummage through the shoes and leave the store with his rectified pair, that was on Saturday. On Sunday he returned with 2 right footed shoes, saying he’d accidentally lifted these and left his previous left footed shoe behind in the shop…really? Perhaps he was a chancer – stealing shoes one shoe at a time, or perhaps he’s just an idiot. I know what one my money’s on…

Then there was the woman who almost bought a woollen car seat cover thinking it was a baby booster seat!

Then there was the other woman who asked if we sold “those birds you eat at Christmas” She wanted a frozen turkey of course!

Oh, and who could forget the guy who came in looking for assistance with his computer, “my computer won’t switch on and the bloody buttons do nothing!”
Now we were selling some PCs fairly recently, and knowing a wee bit about computers I was almost ready to help him out when he asked, “do you think it might be the batteries?” eh? Batteries…computer? It turned out he was actually talking about a hand-held calculator.

We also had to recall every single jar of mayonnaise in the store, as the labels had no English on them.

Then there was the idiot arguing with Neil (the assistant manager), as he was closing the shop a few customers wanted in, he said they could go in as long as they were quick as the shop was just about to close. But for whatever reasons some idiot wanted to contest this, arguing that the shop was being closed in his face, despite the fact he was actually being allowed in, apparently he then grabbed Neil’s wrist and compared the time on each of their watches and then complained that Neil’s watch was too fast and that he should know and he had just set his watch before he left the house!
Neil then told him again that if he was quick he could go into the shop but this guy still wasn’t happy. He demanded that Neil change the time on his watch and stay open for a few minutes longer, at this Neil closed the door and the guy then demanded a phone number to complain to. Neil gave him the number for Head Office, he then asked to know Neil’s name “By law you need to give me your name!” Ah, “by law”, that old chestnut, used by many a customer. Neil refused saying he didn’t need to give out any information to anyone who spoke to him like that, to which he responded “What’s your problem? You act like you’re the manager or something! Well, pretty close, assistant manager actually. He then pulled out a mobile phone and started phoning Head Office, at this point Neil walked away.

But on a brighter note, I found…a squishy American football toy that says “win with God!”
Halleluiah! Praise the lord! TOUCHDOWN! Yeah!