2 middle-aged women at Glasgow Central train station the day of a Justin Bieber concert
Woman 1: “The train will be full of Justin Bieber fans”
Woman 2: “I know but just keep going”

In a posh restaurant in Glasgow
“What’s the singular of scampi? Scampo?”

In a pub in Perth
“The soup today is tomato and lemon soup…lemon in soup? I know, I’d never heard of it either…” (runs upstairs to kitchen)
“The chef isn’t here but I think it might be lentil after all!!

Couple looking at a menu outside a Japanese restaurant in Glasgow
woman (to her partner): “I wonder if the prawns are local?”

Child on train (to mother?): “tears (as in crying) are all the same in Glasgow. True or false?”

On bus going past brand new tram depot in Edinburgh
“That’ll be rusty by the time the trams come”

Couple in the street
“Aye she was nude but she’s not nude in the photo”

Girl on phone on train
“Aye Ryan basically raped that poor girl on Friday. He had this vodka y’know but he didn’t want to say about going back to his for a drink cos it was pure obvious so he said it was his flat mate’s vodka and that she wouldn’t mind but he couldn’t get her to leave the following morning, he had to txt me and I had to pretend that I was his gran to get him to leave”

A group of 3 people walking down a street in Leith
“I believe they were crabs yes”

On Glasgow to Edinburgh bus (on the M8 at this point)
“I don’t know this road very well…this is the road that guy chased us down…that was a long time ago…Davie had to drive away and put the brakes on and the guy eventually drove past us”

On a train at central station
Guy sits next to girl sitting opposite me and says “I don’t mean to be rude but…what’s the time?”
“2:30” she replied
“2:30 exactly? Not 2:35”
“No, it’s 2:30”
“2:30 and not 2:29?”
“yes it’s 2:30”
“Ok, thanks” and then he got up and walked into the next carriage