Originally posted February 08 2008 on em411.com

To whomever it may concern,

I arrived at Pollokshaws East train station one morning at 08:49 knowing that a train was due at 08:50. Imagine my horror when, as I ascended onto the platform the train zoomed off. Thinking I’d missed my train I then walked to Kilmarnock Road and waited for a bus, while waiting I saw the 08:50 trundle over the bridge into the station at around 08:56, knowing that it would be futile running for it now and that I would have to make do with the bus.

The problem with Pollokshaws East train station is that there is no train information on the platform. You are continually left in the dark as to when a train due or whether you’ve just missed it. There are no monitors or LCD screens, there are no timetables on the platform – if you want to check this you have to go down the fairly lengthy steps at either end and by doing so you could miss your train, but heck, you might miss it anyway as the trains never seem to run on time and the timetable at the station is different to the one on the online journey planner! City centre bound, your website claims, that in addition to the services that depart at 7:59, 8:03, 8:26, 8:38, 8:50, 9:12 and 9:26 that there are also services that run at 8:05, 8:29, 8:41 and 9:15. The timetable on your website also refers to the area as “Strathclyde South” For your information; Strathclyde has ceased to exist for a number of years now.

There are also no regular announcements, apart from the occasional “safety announcements” May I give you some insight – Al Qaeda do no want to blow up Pollokshaws East train station, regardless of how much of a strategic political objective you might see it as. Of this I’m certain – unless of course you are getting your information from the expert team who told us about those nasty weapons in Iraq, in which case I profusely apologise.

On the morning of the 8th January however, I realised that there are actual train announcements at the station, it’s just that they are either read by the world’s quietest man or there is a problem with the sole speaker that “works”, it was…something about a train cancellation? I think information of this sort should be audible enough to be heard out-with a 30cm radius of the speaker.

The shelters are also pitiful. There was 1 day in November or December where the rain was veering on horizontal. I was in 1 of your 2 shelters that day along with about 30 other people but still got wet. Who designs these bloody things? We live in Scotland, it is a wet country, put this information to use!

The map on the station is also wrong, the positioning of the timetables on Coustonholm Road is out of place and the ticket machine is listed as being in the shelter closest to Coustonholm Road, when in fact it’s in the shelter at the Kilmarnock Road end. Regardless of what end it’s at its still the source of my next complaint.
I usually buy a monthly zonecard to get to/from work, but as it expired just before Christmas and I only had a few days to work before finishing up for Christmas I resorted to buying return tickets for these remaining days.

I was already running late for work, once again aiming for the 08:50 train, I waited behind a queue of 3 people and then I saw the train approaching, the thought of being stuck in the queue at Central went through my mind along with the possibility of one of your more brazen inspectors cheekily informing me that there is a ticket machine located at Pollokshaws East, of course I could’ve then pulled the “but the map said it was in the shelter at the Coustonholm Road side and there’s nothing there” but thought better of it and decided to purchase a ticket from the machine. It was at this point were I felt that exact change would be a good idea, how wrong I was, as your machine then spewed most of my money back at me as if I was trying to pay with 17th century Guineas. Now don’t give me the “you were forcing it down too quickly” line. I’m not long back from a holiday in Barcelona, where I used the metro ticket machines numerous times, and knowing full well that I’d be sending you a complaint anyway, I delighted in absolutely force feeding those poor little machines with as many euros I could manage!
Not a single coin was returned.

When the train arrived I was still shovelling rejected coins back inside the machine, finally it started to print, just as I heard the ominous ‘beep beep beep’ as the train doors closed. It left without me.

Taking the timetable discrepancies into account I decided to use your help point and find out when the next train was actually due. I got through to what I think was a man in a windswept Himalayan shack, who told me that the next train to Cathcart would be at 9:15 and the next to Central would be at 9:20. Both trains actually arrived simultaneously at 9:17 (The physical and online timetable both say the train to central should arrive at 9.12)

The following day I arrived on the platform for 9.10. Three other people were queuing for tickets and I decided against waiting on the basis of what had happened the day before, the train arrived at 9:15 this time and I made sure to get on at the carriage with the conductor so that I could get a ticket. Yes, some people actually do that although I’m sure you’ll find it hard to believe.

On this occasion the inspector didn’t have any change for my £20 note so I would have to wait in the ticket line afterall. Then the train, without warning arrived at the mysterious Platform 11a – you know the one that physically sits outside the station on the bridge over the Clyde? I think the driver should inform passengers when the train is coming into this platform, since it is in a different time zone to the rest of the station it can affect whether people get to work on time.

The next day I was at the station for 8:35 and there is supposed to be a train at 8:38 and possibly 8:41, but the only train I saw arrived at 8:50. I heard no announcement about late trains or cancellations because I was standing more than a pigeon’s footprint away from the dodgy speaker. I only had notes with which to buy a ticket and as the ticket machine does not tell you which way to insert them, it took me 3 attempts before it would accept my £5.

On my first full week back at work (7th January) I had forgotten to purchase a zonecard. I tried to purchase a ticket on board the train, however the conductor told me that she could no longer issue me with a discounted ticket and that, from now on I would have to purchase a ticket before boarding the train and pointed out some information on the wall that backed this up. I told her that as it was before 9am and I was paying the full rate it was hardly a discounted ticket and asked what would happen from now on if I didn’t have a ticket before boarding. She told me that I would only be sold a single ticket but said that “on this occasion” she would issue me with the ticket. What annoyed me was her attitude, as if she was somehow doing me a favour by allowing me to purchase a full price ticket, at a time when I knew nothing of the new rules, while it clearly stated on the wall that the new rules came into effect one week later on 14th January.

I’ve had a look through your latest newsletter and there is no mention of anything relating to this. Being the stubborn sod that I am I checked the carriage I was on the following day and saw none of the signs with the information that had been pointed out to me the day before.

Now allow me to go back in time, to something that happened perhaps 2-3 years ago when I lived in Garrowhill and used the Airdrie – Helensburgh/Balloch line and didn’t have a zonecard…

I had a job interview on Tollcross Road, Parkhead. I got a taxi there. I had decided to go to my friend’s flat in Battlefield afterwards so after the interview I caught a bus into town because there is no train station in Parkhead even though there should be. When I arrived at Central station there was already a train to Mt. Florida at the platform, so I hopped on, I was on the first carriage at the seat beside the wall and made no attempt to hide or cheat the inspector when he appeared from the door next to me. I asked for a return from Garrowhill to Mt.Florida, to which he sternly enquired along the lines of…

“You mean to tell me you avoided the ticket office at Garrowhill, dodged the conductor on the train, jumped the barriers at Queen Street bypassed the ticket offices and then slipped past the ticket offices here?!?”

I explained how I found myself to be on the train without a ticket but he was having none of my common-sense story, as far as he was concerned I had donned my Solid Snake suit and used all the stealthy skills I learned back in ‘Nam’ to sneak onto the train unnoticed. If I was wearing a burberry cap, a tracksuit and smelt of buckfast then I might have expected this but I was wearing a suit after attending a job interview!

The conductor then hit out with the oxymoron that is:

“It’s people like you who put my job under threat”

As a result he would only sell me a single ticket, thus edging him closer to the dole queue.

That night I stayed over at my friend’s flat so joke’s on you Mr.Conductor.

That was the last time I heard of such a thing, so I’m wondering is this genuinely an enforced rule or was it possibly just a full moon on both of these occasions?

Compared to the Airdrie – Helensburgh/Balloch line, I get the feeling that you just don’t give a crap about the Cathcart cirle line, certainly Pollokshaws East station at least. And speaking of crap, I narrowly missed a fresh one from a resident pigeon in the station underpass on Coustonholm Road recently. If it’s not the pigeons being a health hazard it’s the flooding underneath. I’m counting down the days to my first Buster Keaton comedy water splashing/bird shit incident, except that it won’t be very funny.

There was however the hilarious time recently where I caught the 21:55 train from Pollokshaws East that should get me to Central for 22:08, in time for the 22:13 Whifflet train. On this occasion the train was late and so I had to sprint and only just caught the Whifflet train, to which the guard/ticket inspector made a derisive comment about me arriving at the station on time. Oh how we laughed!

What surprises me is how the same overpriced company runs all the trains and practically all the buses in Glasgow. How on earth did you manage to win such a contract? Because it certainly isn’t for your service or for your prices! Take the 162 magic bus service that Stagecoach ran from Baillieston to Glasgow city centre, I remember it being 60p single and £1 return only a few years ago, now the 162 service is run by First costing £1.40 for a single and £2.50 return.

As I’ve had a zonecard until recently I hadn’t needed to worry about purchasing tickets on each journey but as I’ve given up on the train service, I have been buying tickets on the buses. I catch the bus at the stop at the corner of Coustonholm Road and Kilmarnock Road.

I asked how much it was into town and was told £1.20, I then continued to ask for £1.20 fares, until Monday 14th January when I was informed that the fare was £1.40, as I had already put £1.20 in and only had 50p left on me and as you don’t give back change I had to pay £1.70. Upon scrutinising my ticket it seems that I had paid to go to “Manor Road” and having no idea where this is I looked it up, it’s in Gartcosh. A place I have never been, nor have any desire to visit. One of my colleagues lives 2 stops further along the street (Shawlands X) and always pays £1.20 Do you now charge an additional 10p per stop or is there an imaginary boundary that I pass through each morning that forces me to pay the full fare to end of the line whether I want to go there or not?

I’ve looked at your map for zoned tickets and zone 2 actually starts at Newlandsfield Road, which is the stop before mine. So shouldn’t I be paying £1.20?

The City Sprinter buses charge £1.10 from this stop and £1.90 for a return and they employ a magical system that gives out change! The McKindless buses on Pollokshaws Road charge 95p for a single and £1.95 for an all day ticket from my nearest stop, compared to your £3. And yes, I know you have more buses and more routes but as I’ve already mentioned I have absolutely no desire to visit Gartcosh or Faifly or Milton or any of the other delightful sounding end of the line destinations, all I want to do is get to and from work in time!

Prey tell me, how is it that a city like Rome can offer a ticket that allows multiple changes on a single trip using a combination of metro trains, trams and buses for1 € (if within 75 minutes). That’s less than £1!!! How difficult would that be to implement here since you run practically all the transport? Oh, but wait – I’ve noticed that on your train tickets there is now an ad for PlusBus, whereby you can add unlimited bus travel to your train ticket for a small extra charge. Well I’ve been to the website and it says:

NOTE: It is currently not be possible to buy a Glasgow PLUSBUS ticket from rail stations within the Strathclyde Passenger Transport area. We are aware of the problem and are working with First ScotRail and bus operators to resolve this issue as quickly as possible.

Well, what bloody use is that? Why bother printing the damn thing on your train tickets if no station sells them yet!?

And how about zoned tickets – what if I want to go to Pollokshaws East but just miss the train and there’s another going to Pollokshaws West, am I supposed to purchase another ticket if I only have a ticket to Pollokshaws East? I usually buy a zonecard, so pay extra for the pleasure of travelling about freely or at least that’s what I thought, until I got stuck in Queen St station’s unmanned entrance…

On the night of the Scotland football victory in France I went to catch a train via the North Hannover Street entrance but just missed it, my friends were in a pub nearby and the next train was in half an hour so I thought it best to go back to the pub for 20 minutes. But once on the other side of the barriers the zonecard refused to work without assistance leaving me trapped at the unmanned end of the station. I had to press the help button to summon your Blade Runner style assistant from the year 2018 who asked me to hold up my ticket to check it was valid but I wasn’t quite sure where to stick it, possibly realising that I was a football fan who’d just been to the pub she probably feared that I might feel the need to relieve myself on the platform if made to wait the 30 minutes and so she let me through. Ah, the wonders of modern technology.

I’m glad to see that you have been investing in technology, although it would help if the LCD displays on the buses were more accurate, I’ve lost count of the number of buses I’ve been on whose apparent next stop was “Densitron ODV” I’m glad you got rid of the TVs though, Luther Vandross and Vanessa Williams singing “A whole new world” while driving down the Gallowgate on a Friday night does not a good bus journey make.

The “fencing” and line of ticket barriers at Queen Street are also hideous, I understand that you have to make a profit, but if you are doing the same at Central station can you make it look a little less like a prison? I fear for the day when you start implementing big brother style airport style body scans at Central and Queen Street, for when you feel that the long over due Al-Qaeda attack on Pollokshaws East is imminent.

Speaking of airports, why does your last train to Glasgow depart from Prestwick International Airport at 23:08? You are aware that a number of flights land at the airport after this time? When I arrived back from Barcelona twenty five minutes ahead of schedule with only hand luggage I discovered that I had already missed the last train to Glasgow, yet the monitors listed 3 trains southbound to Ayr. I’ll repeat that – Ayr! Fecking Ayr! Now I’m no tourism expert but I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that foreigners and even Scots landing at Prestwick airport will be travelling onto Glasgow and not the Costa Del Ayrshire. With that in mind, imagine what the cosmopolitan crowd, who had just come from Paris, Rome and Barcelona – that’s 3 flights from 3 major European cities after 11 pm – made of it, standing around clueless in a rain-soaked car park with no shelter (Scotland is a wet country remember) and only a single bus, that wouldn’t let anyone on unless they’d booked in advance from the airport website, and a diminishing line of taxis. We had tried to book the Dodd’s bus beforehand but the website was having none of it (presumably thinking that by selling us tickets it would put it itself of a job) so being ticketless we moved to the taxi queue and stood for close to an hour peforming the Scottish national pastime of getting wet. We were finally able to share a taxi back to Glasgow with some foreigners who were all too happy to comment on the transport situation. I don’t speak French so I can’t say verbatim what was said but from the look on their faces and the repetitive use of the word “merde” I’m guessing that they hated Scotland already and wished they’d booked flights to Baghdad instead. There was also still a lengthy queue when we left so I feel for those who had to endure more rain. more cold and more crappiness in a foreign land – imagine that’s your introduction to “the best small country in the world.”

That’s the second time I’ve had to get a taxi back from Prestwick, but at least the bus was there this time as the first time it happened to me the plane was 30 minutes late so the last bus had already left! Now, imagine that’s your introduction to “the best small country in the world.”

Recently, I missed a train from Pollokshaws East at night on a Sunday so made the trek along Kilmarnock Road, no bus appeared and so I went to Crossmyloof station, once there I realised that you have 2 large LCD screens on either side of the platform, bravo! As the ones you have been erecting on the majority of stations are too small in my opinion. The displays on the Barcelona metro are a good size (larger than your average but smaller than Crossmyloof). However neither of the LCDs at Crossmyloof displayed any train information whatsoever, all they displayed was the time and they couldn’t even get that right, the Northbound platform was 1 hour fast! Since I don’t trust the printed timetables at the stations I thought it best to use the help point and get through to my friend in the Himalayas. Pressing the button thrice yielded no reply. In plain English, I think it’s broke. Oh, while I’m on the subject of Crossmyloof, why do they get such a good shelter?

I look forward to a speedy reply (unlike your trains…).

Originally posted February 08 2008 on em411.com. Note – the buses now tend to display “Ferrograph OVD” rather than displaying any useful information about where the bus is stopping…