Random things I’ve overheard over the past few months…

2 Germans walking in front of me on Sauchiehall St
All I understood from their conversation was “Justin Bieber, Schwein!”

At a close in the southside of Glasgow
girl (to boy): “I’m kind of seeing someone but c’mon, just come in for a minute”
and with that they disappeared into the next doorway

boy on a train into Glasgow
“I’m like a map and my 18th sense is direction”

woman at Merchant City Festival looking at the salami stall
“it jist disnae flick ma switch”

2 managers talking in work
“It’s brilliant actually…yes Swede AND turnip…”

Just along from the Central station taxi queue at 1am on a Saturday night
girl(?) to guy: “I’m the kinda burd that’s a guy right?”

Junkie with a dog talking to a woman
“It’s ok, she only bites who I set her on”

Annoying arse on train
Annoying Arse:”I wis daing the doctor’s job fur ‘im, I hud to tell ‘im whit was wrang wi’ me, ‘e hadnae a clue”
followed by
Annoying Arse: “Am the only person to count things aun facebook. As soon as’ ah got tae 1,000 ‘ah quit”
Listener: “1,000 friends?”
Annoying Arse: “Naw, 1,000 things, as ‘ah said ‘am the only person tae count things on Facebook”

At Ideal Homes Exhibition (at stall showing device for making breadcrumbs etc)
woman: “what would you want to eat breadcrumbs for?”

In a cafe in Govanhill
“In Romania you know when a storm is coming”…the coldest winter I ever had was in Romania…I could get used to the weather in Romania but here it’s the end of the world”

In a supermarket
wee boy “is there big meat?”
mother “there will be meat EVERYWHERE Adam”

Children on train
Canadian boy: “the car seat says we can sit on it”
Girl: “I’m going to sit on it”
Canadian boy: “sit on my backpack”
Girl: ” backpacks are for riding on people’s backs”
Canadian boy: “He (seat) says he wants to go on your lap. My backpack wants to go on my lap. backpack says he likes it on my lap”
Girl: “car seat says he likes it on my lap”
…
Canadian boy: “When I left Canada I was crying, I couldn’t even watch my favourite movie, my mum knew something was wrong and came upstairs and burst into tears”
Girl: “What’s your favourite movie?”
Canadian boy: “I forget now but it WAS my favourite movie”

Junky mum talking to junky pal
Thur wis a pure fuckin mad Polish photographer ‘an that, pure taking photies, they wur like £15 a pop, ‘ah went up an hud a look an he wis like ah’ll gie ye wan fur nuthin’ if ye promote me ‘an that, so ah did. Ye know that photie we’ve got ‘ah the wee man? That’s how we got it, ‘aff that pure mad Polish photographer.

On the street
I expected it on a ficking (sic) Saturday, not today (Monday)!

On train again
man 1: “What age do you think the Italian guy was?”
man 2: “In the Italian kitchen?”
man 1: “No, in the cookery book!”
man 2: “75?”
man 1: “Number (sic) 80”

From the upstairs of a double decker (NSFW)
Young annoying man (to girl):  “When I was with my ex-fiancée we had a great big kitchen so we were eating good so we tasted good, you know, I was eatin’ watermelon and shit”
…later on…
Young annoying man (to girl): “look at her out the window…she’s got a fine ass and she’s got DSLs”
Girl: “What’s DSLs?”
Young annoying man (to girl): “Dick Suckin’ Lips, you know what I mean? She looks like she’d stay down and come back for more…she looks like she’d leave a mess on your bed. Bet she’s into feeting”
Girl: “What’s feeting?”
Young annoying man (to girl): “You know, like fisting, but with feet. I bet she has fungus feet”
Girl: “Did you really used to be a pimp”
Regrettably at that point I had to get off the bus…

On another bus
“Fucksake this bus is so busy I can’t see out the window and these women are beasts”
After a few moments of silence: “I’ve seen loads of mad cunts about today”

And finally, one which was overheard in a street in Edinburgh:
“You’ll get a slap anywhere in Glasgow!”