Originally posted on www.em411.com on Oct 07 and Dec 13 2003. This post has been edited and combines portions from 2 previous blogs.

I work at a supermarket; it’s a strange job. Everyday is a whole new experience – it’s like working in some weird fantasy world where crazy is the norm. One day we got a phone call from the District Manager requesting an urgent recall – a certain type of Christmas tree light must be taken off sale immediately, and when I got home I found out why! It had been reported in a few newspapers that when these lights were switched on, some had to burst into flames. I think only a few people had this problem, but it was enough for the media to get hold of it, so now it’s a nationwide recall, at first the company was just going to give out standard refunds, but due to the newspapers and the fact that a similar thing happened just weeks ago, involving bottles of wine that were responsible for bringing on asthma attacks (in asthmatics – breathe a sigh of relief if you’re not asthmatic!), coupled with the company having been accused of no-good by the UK consumer rights show “Watchdog” only recently, it had been decided to give a free Xmas pudding and selection box to anyone who returns the lights! Ooooh! I’m just hoping someone turns up returning them with a blackened face and singed hair, “there’s your Xmas pud sir, sorry for any inconvenience…” The following day I experienced de ja vu when we got an urgent recall for…dried apricots, we don’t know why, perhaps they’re spontaneously combusting too?! Keep your eyes peeled for the news! I also had the fun job of cleaning the car park and what did I find? A used condom, ah lovely, y’know I’ve always said that supermarket car parks, ney budget supermarket car parks are the most romantic places to make out in (out in geddit, ah never mind…)! And at the other end of the car park I found page 3-esque centre-fold pullouts from some lads’ mags. “Cor, look at her, bet she blows like an exploding fairy light!” (It’s possible that the rubber Johnny and soft porn were connected.)

But the funniest thing to happen on Thursday was this – for some reason the delivery driver had delivered 2 freezer boxes full of frozen food to our store instead of another, but instead of them being picked up and taken to the correct store we were ordered to keep them so we had to find space In the freezers, cue mass movement of frozen chickens and pizzas…but what makes it even more bizarre is that these 2 freezer boxes comprised of nothing but chips (or fries depending on where you are), about 40-50 large boxes with bags and bags or regular sized oven chip bags inside each box!

Why would a store want a frozen delivery of chips and only chips? Well apparently the store the chips were destined to have a regular customer who runs a takeaway and buys large amounts at a single time, and so the staff there have dubbed him “Kebab Man” Yes, that’s right, the one and only “Kebab Man”. So word was passed from our store to theirs to send “Kebab Man” on his way to our store for chips but what did he do? He went to a completely different store instead, so now there are 2 stores in Glasgow that have been depleted of chips while we have nearly 3 freezers worth!

Then I had a struggle with bottles of cola – the driver who doesn’t give a flying duck dragged a pallet of cola along the warehouse wall bursting a good 10 or so bottles down one side, the bottles that burst then soaked the cardboard holding them together, it collapsed under the weight of the bottles above, so when the Clingfilm came off the pallet, cola bottles went everywhere and I got covered in latent sticky foaming carbonated water like a Mentos-experiment gone wrong! Now this particular driver really annoys me, he is always delivering pallets that are full of squashed, crushed and broken goods, but can I blame him when the company recently laid off most of the drivers to save 1% of their annual turnover and 1% of their annual turnover is £26 million!!! (A few weeks later a delivery arrived 4 hours late because this particular driver was slung in jail for starting a brawl after an old-firm football match. That’ll teach him for bursting the cola bottles!)

All the Delivery drivers are pretty unbelievable; constantly screwing up and breaking stuff. Earlier this week a delivery driver managed to drive his lorry into the cage where the bins are kept (so no one can steal stuff), now the hinge is broken and the door hangs at a strange angle, so it’s necessary to have someone help open, and keep open the cage door while the other replaces/fills up the big bin before the cage door smashes you in the face…a lot of food gets thrown out every day (hundreds of pounds worth!) but the big bins are only emptied once a week thanks to council cutbacks and you need to push the bins uphill from the back door to the cage – who thought that design through? Bins which are FULL leave the store and go uphill to the cage then empty ones ski back downhill!

I’ve made a habit of taking notes of stupid things customers say/ask; here are some recent highlights:

Man (looking at televisions): Excuse me son, do these TVs come with stands?
Me: If you read the box it tells you all the info.
Man: I did read the box, it doesn’t say a damn thing about stands!
Me: Well then, it doesn’t come with a stand!

Then there was the customer who asked if we sold those cloths and the man who asked if we have one of the computer things for kiddies? I love it when customers are specific…

Then I had some idiot asking where we keep the rice so I took him to the bags of rice but… “No, that’s not what I’m after, it’s the packets of rice I want” I have a quick look, I tell him we don’t sell any packets of rice, “Oh, but I buy them every week!” So I go in search of the rice, the manager tells me it must be the packets of savoury rice and vegetables that he’s referring to, so I take him there but no it’s not that either…hmm, Ambrosia creamed rice? Nope, not that either, but then he spots what he was after…a carton of custard!!! “Sorry about that son, my mistake it was actually custard I wanted!”
Ah well, At least he apologised…

Woman (pointing at gingerbread): How much is that?
Me (pointing at gingerbread ticket): The gingerbread? It’s 59p.
Woman: Excuse me, that isn’t gingerbread!
Atemporary feeling of panic descends on me…er, um…i feel embarrassed. I pick up the box and look at it, looks like gingerbread to me, I read it (a lot of the stuff we sell is labelled German firstly, but if you look you will find English) and lo and behold it is gingerbread after all!
Me: It is gingerbread and it is 59p!
Woman: Oh, I don’ want it then.
I put it back and off she goes…

Then someone stole a pair of insoles and left behind their old smelly ones – in the bin they went. Just as well we have a cage around the bin to prevent anyone from stealing them!

Stay tuned for part 2!