Originally posted on www.em411.com on Dec 24 2003.

2 of our nearby stores got robbed in the past week. Staff were held up with “weapons”, that’s all I know, the company is very secretive so they didn’t tell us much, in fact I read more about it in a local newspaper…and then a few days later a manager from another store contacted us to tell us to be on the look out for 3 dodgy blokes wearing black and red tracksuits. A few hours later they arrived, one very suspicious looking person wandered about with a bag over his shoulder, the manager and I watched him, he left, a few minutes later his accomplice, wearing the exact same tracksuit entered, we watched him, he left empty-handed, then guess what, to complete the ensemble of oddballs, the third guy enters, again wearing a red and black tracksuit. WTF?
And it was on that same day that a robin managed to get trapped inside the store setting the alarm off at 3am forcing the assistant manager to get out of bed, and wake up his girlfriend who drove him to the store so he could switch it off.
What else has happened lately? Well, there was the woman who returned a painting-by-numbers set which was completely devoid of any numbers what-so-ever!
Then there was the woman who asked me what time the store closed; I told her “in 25 minutes” to which she started sprinting round the store…”I said minutes not seconds!”
Then there was a story the assistant manager told me about how we was pulling a heavy pallet down an aisle when someone jumped out in front of him demanding a refund and due to momentum he couldn’t stop the pallet quickly enough, so his feet slid along the floor while he and the pallet went right into the customer, who replied “dae ye want a square go mate?” or in other words “do you want to fight?” I gather the customer was completely oblivious to the massive pallet in the way.

The company I work for is German, and there was an idiot who started speaking to me in German. I told him I couldn’t speak the language, and what was his reply?
“But you work for a German company!”
Ja…

Then there was the woman who came in to buy a kettle, but by the time she got here late in the evening they had all sold out, but she couldn’t quite comprehend this.
“Your kettles can’t be sold out! They were advertised as only going on sale today!”
I told her that yes they had only been available from today but it was a good deal so they all sold”
“Well, what’s the point in advertising them if they’re all sold out?”
Eh…well, “they weren’t sold out this morning” I told her.
“You must still have some In the store somewhere surely?”
I told her that we didn’t have a secret kettle stash
“I don’t believe you! Let me speak to the manager!”
This woman then spoke to the manager, who clarified that there was no great kettle conspiracy, we had none left and weren’t hiding any from her. So she then left the shop but came back just a few minutes later demanding to be told which of other stores still had kettles, sheesh!

Oh, one last thing, a camp shopper smiled, winked and wished me a merry Christmas today…why do only gay men come onto me in the shop? 🙁